April 2012
4 posts
2 tags
LAST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER?
*BLINKS *COLLPASES *STARTS CRYING
1 tag
Ex-Tabula Rasa: West Virginia jesus died for your... →
blanddiva11:
smartasshat:
littlerunnergurl:
i’ll show myself out
tj:
Wheel-of-Fortune Jesus died for your spins.
sblaufuss:
Indie-music Jesus died for your Shins.
katedanley:
Fast food Jesus died for your chins.
styro:
Pottery Jesus died for your kilns.
…
Instagram Jesus died for your grins.
aerissa: JESUS IS DEAD?!?
1 tag
gunmetalskies:
aerissa replied to your post: How to play Red Dead like gunmetalskies
One man, so much awesome. You are hereby cordially invited to come live in my pocket.
lol, you clearly passed ego stroking 101. I may get bored in your pocket and wiggle around. I am not responsible for whatever embarrassment this causes you.
aerissa:
Things to do tomorrow:
Wake up.
Drink coffee
Cut...
March 2012
1 post
In the 3 1/2 minutes I’ve been outside I’ve used 5 tissues.
This blows.
February 2012
8 posts
It Continues...
Cat: Meow
Me: What's up, Doc?
Cat: Meow
Me: You want your crinkly ball? Huh? Crinkly ball?
Cat: Meow
Me: Mouse? Your mouse? Get your mouse!
Cat: Meow
Me: Wanna be brushed? Brushing?
Cat: Meow
Me: Treat? Good girl wants a treat?
Cat: Meow
Me: Kitty want her shiny ball?
Cat: Meow
Me: What do you WANT?
Cat: Meow
Me: You were adopted.
Whatwhatwhat?
Cat: Meow
Me: What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Cat: Meow
Me: What, baby?
Cat: Meow
Me: You HAVE food. Look!
Cat: Meow
Me: Two big bowls of fresh water, right there!
Cat: Meow
Me: ?
Cat: Meow
Me: *sigh
5 tags
Melody Gardot ~ Baby I’m a Fool
I pulled up my pants
then washed my hands and walked out of the washroom. It was only when I started walking that I realized I hadn’t pulled up my underwear.
All hail the genius that is me.
Fuck Love
'niff
All the actresses who used to play rebellious teenagers on tv when I was a rebellious teenager are now showing up on tv as mothers of rebellious teenagers.
Screw Hallmark commercials, THIS is how you make a grown woman cry.
5 tags
Sheldon
Sheldon, from The Big Bang Theory.
I want to chop him into fine powder and snort him directly into my central nervous system.
Me: You bought spinach, go make a spinach salad.
Me: I don't want spinach, I want pasta.
Me: Your body needs the nutrition it gets from spinach.
Me: My mouth needs the taste it gets from pasta.
Me: Eat the spinach.
Me: YOU eat the spinach.
Me: Okay, I will. Um....you do realize I'm you, right?
Me: Shit
January 2012
4 posts
2 tags
strangeninja asked: Hi. I like you.
Happy Anniversary
I don’t have a relationship or wedding anniversary so instead I’ve decided to celebrate the 10,000th time my mother tells me “Nobody thinks you’re funny but you.”
Happy Anniversary to me.
Meow
Just told the cat she had to finish all her food because there are cats starving in Africa.
This is why I don’t have real children.
December 2011
8 posts
7 tags
Ray LaMontagne & The Pariah Dogs ~ Repo Man
13 tags
17 tags
shIT happens
When it comes to sex, I`m pretty sure I’ve lost it.
There’s a good chance if I showed my it to someone right now, they’d say, `That’s not it.’
There’s an equally good chance if I showed my it to someone right now, they’d say, ‘Hey! Cousin Itt is here!’
It’s difficult to predict these things.
26 tags
2 tags
Do Not Read into This.
It’s simply one of the many thoughts that pass through my brain. I often don’t have a clue what makes some ideas appear in my conscious mind. It’s sort of like finding rat droppings occasionally despite never having seen a rodent anywhere in your home. Yes, I did just compare my thoughts to rat poo. If the poo fits…
Whatever. Here, this poo is for you.
I wonder if...
My Last Will & Testament
Dear Heir,
Whatever fortune I’ve amassed is buried beneath the ground in Strathcona Park.
I hope you like peanuts.
10 tags
Just sayin’.
Booze Brothers - I want sex...
Dear Guy
Dear guy with the souped-up engine who races up & down my street at 3am blasting some trance/house/techno fusion crap he and his bro mixed in ‘da crib’ (aka mom’s basement),
I want you. I need you. You are SO hot. Whatta man. I gotta gets me somma dat.
Jerk.
November 2011
3 posts
Dear Mom
Dear mom,
The cookies you sent me mysteriously disappeared (into my mouth). Please send more (into my mouth).
Love, your daughter.
1 tag
It's 2pm and I no longer give a fuck
This should be interesting.
2 tags
Did the Strip Club just let out?
Oh, sorry, it’s just a group of 8th graders out on a class trip.
October 2011
9 posts
Her: My boobs have been hanging on the floor since I was 15.
Me: Wow, I’ll bet you almost never have to mop.
5 tags
Kiss the Cook
Lisa, if you knew what I’d like to do to your brain it wouild blow your mind.
The Happy Birthday Blowjob
A very special way to say “I forgot today was your birthday so I don’t have a gift ready and there’s no celebratory dinner or cake or anything, but before you react you might want to consider the wisdom of starting an argument with me while I’m holding your dick in my mouth.”
2 tags
I'm Special.
So I bought these new moisturizing eye drops which come in a small tube instead of the usual tiny plastic bottle. I’d like to say the package looks a lot like the one Blistex Eucalyptus Mositurizing Lip Balm comes in, but it really doesn’t. Why would I like to say that? Because today I put Blistex in my eyes. Twice.
Shut up. I’m special.
15 tags
REPLIES TO MY POST: SHIT
(this post)
primarysourcebook replied: At the bottom of the gravity.
aerissa: Are you serious? (See what I did there? ;D)
<><><>«>«><><>«>«><><>«><
catharsisecho replied: In your Jell-O, because I’m a swingline and your co-worker is an ass (And if you get that, you’re awesome.)
...
4 tags
Shit
If you were a stapler, where would you be?
1 tag
Judging by what just happened while I was rinsing...
3 tags
Dear God,
Please don’t let me get into an accident while wearing this underwear.
5 tags
September 2011
13 posts
2 tags
Sorry Shannon, Tumblr is still fucking with me
It still won’t let me ask anything, though it did let me send one ask last week. WTF? Anyway today I wanted to message Shannon for her birthday, but Tumblr is still insisting I’m trying to send links. I’m not. FUCK YOU TUMBLR.
Dear Shannon,
It’s your birthday? You know that means your parents totally did IT, right? Ewwwww.
Happy Birthday, beautiful lady. Love & Hugs.
I could feed a small country using only the food I...
3 tags
When I run into someone who'se name I don't...
I never tell them I’ve forgotten their name. Instead I wave my hand nonchalantly and say “Oh, I don’t have to tell you your name, you already know it”.
I like to use humour to cover up my stupidity.
3 tags
ryanjjohn replied to your post: Please please please stop putting that godawful white icing on everything Is that a euphemism?
aerissa: HAHAHA ewww.
Please please please stop putting that godawful...
It’s disgusting.
THIS SUCKS
This has been a special encore presentation of THIS SUCKS. Brought to you by the good people at THIS SUCKS, a collaboration between THIS SUCKS and THIS SUCKS. Special permission to use THIS SUCKS was obtained from THIS SUCKS. Our thanks to THIS SUCKS, THIS SUCKS, and especially THIS SUCKS.
THIS SUCKS
2 tags
“Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a...”
– Barry Switzer, former football coach for college and professional teams, giving what I think is a marvelous definition of privilege.
(via cognitivedissonance)
Pretty friggin’ spot on.
(via yarr-metis)
I'm early again
I’m always early. Whenever I have something to do my brain decides it needs to alert me well before the event, telling me to get up or get into the shower or whatever. It doesn’t take into account the fact that being hyperactive means I do everything at lightning speed. I do not need two hours to get ready for ANYTHING.
It’s almost like my brain and my body don’t...
Warning: This Post Contains Nuts
It looks so nice outside today, sunny and inviting, and I really hate not being well enough to go out and enjoy it. This health situation sucks x sucks to the nth power, squared, infinity.
I miss outside. I go to the window and tell it so. “I miss you, outside”, I say, pressing my face to the window so we can be as close to each other as possible as I speak.
Maybe it’s the illness and isolation...
2 tags
I'm sure the fact that I feel very much like...
That I’m an adult who really wants to run away from home reveals even more.
That I am adult who lives alone and really wants to run away from home - that pretty much says it all.